Never Give Up.

McCall, you are truly amazing.

McCall Dempsey

A letter written to an incredible friend I met in residential treatment.  She is currently back in treatment, fighting for recovery once again…and this time she will win.

My dearest friend,

Never give up.  You must recover. You do not have a choice. You will die. And even if you survive…if you give up on this treatment, your life will be mediocre at best.  I say this because I love you. Because I was you. I did not get it. I never got it. In treatment one day my therapist said, “You are one purge away from a heart attack.” Suddenly, I ‘got’ it. I slowly began to understand that I was killing myself, literally killing myself, to reach some point of unreachable perfection. In my twisted and disordered mind, my life would be complete and fulfilled once I reached ‘that’ goal. Well I never achieved ‘that’ goal. I always…

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Sandcastle

Like a sandcastle built too close to the waves, she crumbles.

A victim of a force that can’t be contained.

Coaxed by the promise of love and life,

By the promise of a soul washed clean by the renewing waters.

She couldn’t see the riptide beneath.

 

Bystanders looked on, amazed at what they saw.

She built her castle tall and wide, a fortress guarding her from the sea.

Many stood in awe at the creation.

No one stopped to question the integrity of the structure.

No one seemed to notice how close she was to the ocean.

 

The castle appeared impenetrable on the surface.

A hard earned accomplishment from a strong young woman.

As the tide crept in, still no one noticed.

Her creation was weakened with each grain of sand lost.

She succumbed to the trap hidden beneath the beauty.

Suffocation of Life

The suffocation of life

The crushing blow of inadequacy

The blinding light of perfection

The idolizing of thinness

The fearing of society

The shaming of the self

The kidnapping of the mind

The burning of the throat

The callusing of the knuckles

The exhilaration of the purge

The scarring of the esophagus

The sight of the blood

The eradication of teeth

The spinning of the room

The crying on the floor

The fear of the consequences

The terror of recovering

The slicing of the razor

The swing of the rope

The swallowing of the pills

The end of the suffering

Miss

Misguided blessings of friends and family.

Misplaced trust to succeed and service.

Mistaken belief in a life happily lived.

Misdirected anger at the mask of the demise.

Yesterday I dar…

Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
-Bernadette Devlin

Battle of Fire and Water

 The fire in my eyes burns loud and strong,

Fueled by the fear of life lost to disease.

Until the moisture from my eyes,

The countless sobs I cry,

Threaten to steal the light from my soul.

It is the battle of fire and water.

A battle spanning centuries, longing for a different outcome.

Day to day the fire rages and fades.

I live in a reality of foreign and unknown.

My world is one few understand, outsiders find disturbing.

One impacted by daily scenarios I long to take for granted.

Of sights and sounds that take on destructive connotation.

Words have meanings even Webster couldn’t fathom.

My life is a war between the fire fueling the heart

And the tears washing hope from the mind.

A matter of survival, thriving versus dying.

An army of soldiers standing behind me.

Yet remaining the lone warrior in this internal clash of power.

There is hope in the suffering